Grieving The Loss

Despite Covid, I fared pretty well through that shitstorm. I was in a place of freedom and independence to educate and teach on a different level. With the Pilates studio closed, I created an online learning platform for women to create a new level of health and wellness for themselves, of which I was genuinely grateful. It also offered the time I needed to continue my healing journey from cancer and grow in my professional career as a coach.

I wasn’t expecting that as we moved closer to the world opening back up, I would go through yet another life transition back to being single again. Nevertheless, the loss has been impactful and not without a lot of deep pain and immense grief.

Through the grief, I had a variety of dreams, none of which I remember. However, one in particular stood out. I kept seeing myself repeatedly typing the words: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance- which are the five stages of grief. The title ‘Grieving The Loss’ kept popping into the dream. I tossed and turned. I kept waking up and brushing the dream aside. Wasn’t it enough that I was living the damned dream during the day that I needed to live it in my sleep too? Argh!

Grief doesn’t disappear overnight! No matter what caused your grief, allowing yourself time to process through the waves of emotions and feelings is essential; otherwise, it will bottle up inside. If you keep it buried, one day it will appear somehow or somewhere in your body. This I know!

Before being diagnosed with cancer, I was carrying some overwhelming and unbearable stuff in my life. The experience was so overwhelming that my stress levels were through the roof. I didn’t feel safe; I lost my foundation for coping and couldn’t see a clear path to answer my problems, so I buried it. Instead of talking to someone, I held it within.

So, if you’re holding on to something, let it GO! Cry, scream, talk it out, or anything else that will help you not to keep it buried. But don’t deny or bury it.

Studies have shown what I’ve suggested to be true. When we don’t allow our grief, no matter what stage, to come out, we are left with the effects of it buried in our bodies. Here’s a link to a great YouTube video from Dr. Gabor Mate about The Connection Between Stress and Disease.

I know Covid has left the world with a lot to think about. What about you? What has Covid left you with? I want to invite you to check in with yourself and identify which of The Five Stages of Grief you might be in.

Each of the stages is considered tools to help you identify and frame your feelings. They are as varied as you are. Each one of you will move through the various stages on different timelines and in different orders. Some stages will repeat over and over again.

Denial – This is the first stage, and life doesn’t make sense.

Anger – Oh, let this one out. It’s a bridge between you and whoever or whatever hurt you. The bridge is essential to transition.

Bargaining – This is the “if only” or “what if” stage. The past reflects back at you and leaves you wondering, what did I do wrong? How could I have been different, etc.? Know that it’s not you!

Depression – As the reality of your present state sets in, so does depression as grief goes to a deeper level. As hard as it is, it is part of the process.

Acceptance – Life has changed, and you will change as acceptance makes itself known to you. It doesn’t mean everything is okay- only time will help with that. But, as hard as it is to believe, you will start to have more days of feeling better than like someone hit you with a 2×4.

After being isolated at home for work, one friend of mine is struggling to get back out in the world. It’s become a bit of a scary place. There is grief in that, and she’s working on accepting her new reality.

For me, after three months, I’ve finally reached the acceptance stage. Yes, I’m still bouncing back and forth with the others, but the majority of the time, I’ve come to accept the situation as it is. In the meantime, I’m practicing the things I wrote about in this blog post more than a year ago.

Here’s the thing, you can cry, scream, beat a pillow, talk to someone you trust, or do all of them. Repeat as necessary, even if it feels like you’re vomiting your feelings. It’s okay; to repeat this process until you no longer need to talk about it or beat the pillow. You are the one who gets to decide how long the process will take. NOT ANYONE ELSE.

There is no timeline on grief. With that said, you still have to get up, get dressed, and do life! If you find yourself unable to do life, please reach out for help to not end up as sick as I once was.

If you or someone you know would like someone to talk to, I’m here.

With love,
Vonie

 

 

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